I think I won the penis lottery.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
