3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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