I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
