Only a mothe r could love this liver
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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