the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
