If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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