She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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