and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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