I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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