the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
