She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
