Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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