It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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