Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
