I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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