Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I cannot find my penis.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
