i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
