were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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