don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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