The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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