before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
