Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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