I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
