It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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