Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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