at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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