I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
