I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am naked and annoyed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
