Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
