I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
being pregnant is like rehab
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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