New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
