hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
