Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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