I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
