he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
