omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
