She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
