I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
zippers are such a cool invention
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
