Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
