life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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