he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
