6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
