Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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