Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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