you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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