his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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