Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
