I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
