it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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