tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
