I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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