My sheets look like a crime scene.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
